Ugly!
It was the worst case of ugly I had ever seen. I was 13 years old and to my tender and inexperienced eyes it was an intense ugly, the kind you must keep staring at just to be sure it is really setting across the aisle from you.
We were from a tiny rural town and my father was in the hospital in the city. I was given the adventure of being his support because my mother could not miss work. I stayed with my uncle and every day I would ride public transportation back and forth to visit my dad. I got to be on my own, left to survive with my wits and street smarts, none of which I had at the time by the way. It never occurred to me that I could have been afraid. Now, considering my over protected childhood, I wonder how I was even allowed such an adventure.
Colfax Avenue is known as one of the longest streets in the USA and runs approximately 59 miles. I had to travel Colfax to get to and from the hospital. Back then it was an adventure. Sometimes today it is "space the final frontier".
Every morning I’d get on the bus, find my usual seat, and the adventure would begin.
She got on the bus when it turned onto Colfax. She never spoke to me, rarely looked at me but I was completely fascinated with her. She was always riding when I got on the bus in the evening to go back to my uncle’s house. The first time I saw her I think my mouth hung open for several minutes in shock.
I could not guess her age, she just looked ancient to me. I remember her appearance to me was a blur of strangeness: huge, misshapen nose, beady eyes almost devoid of eyelashes or eyebrows, rotting teeth, and stringy hair. Her filthy clothes were stretched haphazardly over a fat body with buttons missing or in the wrong hole. Her feet were deformed, her toes made big lumps in her shoes. Her voice was loud, and she was difficult to understand.
She was called Colfax Annie.
From a fellow rider I learned that she rode the bus along Colfax Avenue all day and night. Every day for several weeks I rode along watching her, taking in all the horrible dysfunction she represented for me. It became important for me to see her, and the few times she was not on the bus were disturbing. What if I never got to see her again? Who was Colfax Annie?
One evening a very handsome man got on the bus. I could see he was looking for someone. Soon I discovered it was Annie. He was laughing, and he plopped down in the seat beside her. What on earth could a guy like him want with such ugliness? He spoke to her in lowered tones, leaning into her, jabbing her in the ribs and laughing. She appeared to be upset and angry with him. After a while they got off the bus together. This was an interruption in my and her routine.
The next morning Annie’s hair was all matted and sticking up, and she was even more filthy and wild-eyed. In the following days it got worse. I was worried, and felt like I must do something, but what? After a while she seemed to get straightened out. I learned from the fellow rider that Annie was pregnant, and the man was not planning to honor any obligation he had because he was married. I felt revolted shocked, and very disturbed - but not at Annie. You see I had grown fond of her and even though we never spoke I felt a connection with her. And the man I mentioned before, the “very handsome man” had turned into a horribly ugly man to me.
I did not see her the last day I rode the bus. I’ve thought about her often over the years.
When I was older, I saw her once again at a street fair downtown. I turned around from a booth and gazed straight into her eyes, instantly recognizing her. She was clean and calm, but it was her behind those eyes. My heart began to beat rapidly as I stood there staring, drinking her all in. She had no idea who I was, but I loved every minute looking at her. We gazed at each other for a bit, and then she turned and walked away.
Two things dawned on me then. She was approximately five years older than me, not ancient. And most shocking, she was not horribly ugly! She was not beautiful by magazine standards, but not the ugly I remembered. Had my eyes been deceived back then? Why had she been so ugly to me? Or had my definition of that word changed?
After God woke me up in the middle of the night a few years ago to write the story about my memories of Annie, I contacted the public transportation department. I wanted to ask about her, and I spoke with someone who told me that many of the drivers remembered Annie. He said she had passed away. Apparently she had given birth to several children.
The song “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places” comes to mind. We all seek love and acceptance. It is programmed into our hearts so that we will find and know the God who created us. Sometimes we look so long in the wrong places that we never find the real thing and substitute it with any number of false lovers – toxic people, drugs, money, sex, careers, status, and even legalism. I guess that is the connection I found with Colfax Annie. I looked in so many wrong places myself and longed for a man to love me. I finally allowed Jesus to take my hand and lead me out of a desperate and dangerous life.
When I see young people searching for their identity, for someone to love them, and note all the different and often sad and destructive ways they approach this quest, I just want to take their hand, sit them down and talk about the only One that will ever give them what they want.
I think of all of the dangerous and demeaning experiences God walked with me through. He didn't have to do that. Yes, he protected me physically through so many awful choices, and I am forever grateful to Him. But the enemy often pokes me with the painful memories of what my eyes saw, my ears heard, my body felt. The trauma that remains would be unbearable if I didn't have hope that one day all tears will cease.
Annie may have had some significant mental health challenges, and possible learning disabilities or personality disorders. Do you wonder if Annie could have found the love she was seeking in Jesus Christ, or that she might be in heaven? Only God knows that answer. What I know is that God was beside her, and he took care of her in every way possible. He is just that kind of a God.
One of my favorite quotes comes to mind: Jesus Christ died on the cross for you, so that you can be free from the misbelief that other people decide your value – other people – and Satan. No one can decide your value but the one who died for you. Jesus thinks you are worth His life, He has no regrets.
The chance encounter on that Colfax bus impacted my life, and I’m grateful. I see beauty in every face, even if it doesn’t match a picture in a magazine. Annie helped me understand beauty and what real ugliness is.
I am grateful to our Creator for the variety of faces he gives me to look into each day, for the lives of those He lets impact mine. But oh, how I long to look into His beautiful face, to stare intently at His features, and to drink in the love and eternal life He gave to me so long ago, before I even knew I wanted it. The book of Isaiah says that there was nothing comely about his human appearance. I cannot imagine that.
To look upon His face will be the most beautiful pleasure we will ever experience. Look for the love you desire in the right place, your loving Savior. You will find everything you ever really wanted.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine." Isaiah 43:1
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